AHHH! WHATS GOING ON!!

Bastard God.
Took My Dog.
Lifes Flushed Down The Bog
Someone Gimme A HOG [hug.. incase you didnt get it]

Like my little limmerick? Yeah. Sorry I havent written on here in a little while, I write in 'My Trip To Perfection' Daily so most stuffs in there...

Yes, Sparkie died. 5:00pm 4/5/10. 5 years old.

GOD YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!!

I hate him.

The happy pills just make me emotionally numb, then everything explodes out in a messy state called a break down. I think I've had 5 last week. Skei didn't turn up on Monday. Or talk to me on Tuesday. Or come over on Sunday, I walked to his in the end. I still ache.
Bambi had a go at me. No reason at all except, and I quote, 'Your bad mood is your only mood!'...
Bitch.
She knows my dog died.
She can fuck herself for all i care.

Infact. Most people I know can all go die. I hate them all.
I dont need them to tell me I'm shit. I know that already. I have the voices that tell me and the appearance of an ED who shove it in my face everyday. I dont need anyone to make me feel inferiour. I can hurt myself both physically and mentally. They can fuck off.
I'll eventually show them I'm not the fat bitch they think I am. I'm not as pathetic as they think. I have issues. Because of them, and so many other reasons. I'll show them I can be perfect.

I will be perfect.

I've had so much injustice delt to me my whole life I've finally had enough. Its all above my head. Now I will explode like a volcanoe. Just like everytime someone annoys me that little bit too much. They get an earful of abusive shouting from me. And the occational strangle or punch. Or even a bollocking.
I'm done. I have too much inside. Anything else just throws it out of whack.

Ignorance is their best friend. As the beautiful Hayley Williams once sang. She has a point. If they dont know then they dont realise. Their philosophy I guess.

The funny thing is. No one, not even a medical proffecional, thinks theres anything wrong with me. HA! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm close to an ED, I even said to the the nurse that I occationally way over eat then dont eat much for a long time. She didnt pick it up. She thought it was normal. What? Are you kidding? I havent even told her the half of it. Wow. I'm actually coming to terms with the fact I probably have, or I'm developing, an ED. Pretty fast.
But th thing is. I think I'll give up trying to get help. I'll become a mental case, incapable of living day to day life. Then maybe, just maybe, they'll see what's wrong with me.

I cant believe that they dont think anythings wrong with me. The nurse put it down to my dog dieing. But I've felt this way, way before he died! Oh my God!

Okay I'm really angry now. I should go.

Not Best If I'm Angry.
Ughh...
x

oh for f-cks sake ...

My Puppy, Sparkie <3

Christ.
God actually hates me. (And I hate him right fucking back!)

Heres the deal. My Dog, Spark, has cancer. Hes had it for about a year and a half now, but hes coming to the point where we dont think he can fight it anymore.

Hes not eating, drinking or being the puppy I love.

Instead, hes sick, tired, on painkillers and gagging all the time.

Hes my Dog, not anyone else's in the house. So it really hurts.
He only turned 5 a month ago.

I honestly dont think i can handle anymore!


i beat the shit out of a locker last week coz of one little camment about me weight, imagine what I'll do if Spark dies/gets put down.





Yeah. Go mad. At everyone.





The happy pills definetly wont if he does.


Pray for him for me? Even if you're not religious.





And if Skei doesn't turn up today then I'm going to have a break down.


Its coming up to his childhood friends 2 year death anaversary. I get thats hard, I'm trying not to be so pathetic but honestly. I may not be able to face school for the week.





The weather has perfect timing. Its been beautiful all last week, now its pissing it down.





Just when it comes to Skei's friends yanno, and when Spark gets to his worst.


Mum said that if he's still bad today, then she's going to call the vet up to put him to sleep.





I HATE being tested like this.


Too much at once.





At least this mental health place for teenagers has gotten back to me. I'm seeing them on Thursday. I had to fill out a form yesterday to bring in.








FUCK MY LIFE I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!





'Lock the doors I'd Like to caputre this voice..'


wish me luck -.-


x

updatee :)

RIIIIIGHTYY

well as an update i cant remember if i mentioned the two new room mates i have in my head.
Ana and Psyc. yeahh. little bit about them:

Ana
14 years old
5'5
very thin
light brown hair and brown eyes
full fringe, straight hair.
not the nicest person to come accross

Psyc
16 years old
5'10
size 8 with a DD cup size[weird how i kno that..]
short hair with longish fringe and dyed red
basically me drunk. :L:L

honestly its kinda scary. and im having halusinations >.< stuff like reli big spiders crawling up the walls at night and tall scary men standing over me. at night, youd crap yourself.
just thought id mention that

also unfortunetly developed a need to bleed again :/ i made Skei go into a fit coz iv started cutting again :/ i feel relii bad but its better than killing myself right?

i caught a glimps of my legs the other day in shorts and thought 'NO WAY!' they actually look MUCH thinner than usual. :)

and my grades are still above average :D i plan on showing all the fuckers in my life up.

but i reli need a fag :/ i hav 2 but i dont think i could get away with smelling like them afterwards :/ mehh ill hav to make do.
mental note: meet up with Craig after school again to hav a fag like we did AGES ago <3 loved that day

yes im doing well on the weight front. [wheyheyy!!] 10 stone 13 pounds. hopefully losing more!

this is verrrry scatterbrained i kno >.<
well i think thats it.. ima make myself some healthy hot chocolate :L



bye mah lovers x ;)

UPDATE XD

Time : 11:31 am
Mood: mehh not good or bad (Y)
Listening Too: my depressing Playlist on my ipod XD

rightyy well first

BROKENCYDE WAS AMAZINGG! Jefree Star and Synthetic Season were there too ^_^ cant remember the other band XD but yeah FUCKING AMAZING! Skei, Zanerr and Alix stayed over mine after and i saw mon lovely friend Chessyy XD at Brokencyde <3>

second, IV LOST WEIGHT!!!! YESSSSS!!! AHAHAHAHA!! scarily enough, half a stone [7 lbs] i kno rightt?? i was uuuuberrrrr proud! im on i diet atm :D not done too well this week, its easier for me to diet when im at school, less time to think abouit food :L:L but im aiming to get into a size 10 dress i have in my cuppboard. just coz its so pretty :( unfortunetly my arse is too big.

3rd, iv got the other blog thing set up. just coz i wanted to post my songs on a seperate blog (Y) yarr so check that out, and comment i relii want help. id like to get better.

uhm thats about all. im writing this before Skei comes over today :) hes the reason i want to lose weight. hes a skinny fucker. -.-

OH might start another blog with updates on my weight loss. just for myself. so i can keep track :) IMA DO THAT :L:L:L so anyway


I LOVE YOU GUYS WHO ARE READING.

mucho muchoo xx
;)

muchomucho [dont ask :L]

rightyy heyyyy all!
im thinking of making anew blog for my songs. id like critique. so yes. :)

OMG IM GOING TO SEE BROKENCYDE, BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND JEFFREE STAR IN APRIL!! AHHHHH!! YESS!! none of them are favourites of mine but i do like them muchoss :L so looking forward to it. except king. and ryh. theyv been right bitches coz i bought them their tickets and my lovely matee Lii told me that they were saying stuff like 'i didnt even ask her to get it for me!' which 1. is a lie and 2. is a reli stupid thing to bitch about. im trying to be nice ffs! id rather go with Zanerr Skei and Zanerr's boyfii. itd be better. might just tell them they took too long to decide whether they were going or not. bitchesss.

fuck them
fuck my mum too.
shes a bitch. hates skei for some reason and thinks im having sex with him, which im not. im not even leagl. im not like that either. honestly.

ahhhhhhh! FUCK YOU BITCHEZZ!! IM GOING OFF SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CANT FACKING FIND ME... if only :/
x

Achhhh T_T

mood: kinda crappyy
time: 10:03pm
Listening too: secondhand serenade

rightyy well i still uberlyy wanna kill kitty. she slammed a door in my face... on purpose. making my nose bash it quite harrd >.<>.< god i hav hardly any self control.
Playa is getting on my nerves. still. she thinks shes depressed. pfft. she has no reason to be depressed and shes deffinetly not. i am ! i should kno if other people are! like Craiiggg :( hes getting depressed coz Hans broke up with him and she now hates me for telling craig that she dumped him coz her feelings for dean were confusing her and shes making shit up tbh :/ shes going round saying she doesnt fancy him. i only told craig that, i duno why shes getting other people involved with this... oh well. if she wants to stay friends ill let her decide.

Skei did the weirdest thing the other day. he proposed to me. im 15. is that normal?? i sed id answer when he asks me properly with a ring :L:L so hes saving up apparentlyyyy.. hey ho

me and Craig met up after school today and had a couple of rollies. cigarettes incase you didnt kno. its become something i quite like.. not good i knoo but heyy. we'v descovered a way to smoke and get us all light headed! its amazing! it feels like youre tipsyy.. and we did a few smokers kisses too. [blowing your inhailed smoke into the others mouth.. not actual kissing] so today was alright, but i feel crappy again >.< i wanna be 18. everythings legal. except drugs o'coursee. they arent ever legal unless youre rasterfarian. duno if i spelt that rightt.. oh well.

i hope my mood lifts.. its really bugging me. i hav no enthusiasm.
oh crap i still hav to sort out my work expierience with lilly. [different person] were gonna call them up together to see if they hav a place for 2 peoplee >.< ahhhhhhhh

well good byee. i needed to rant a little.
not like you care
no one even reads this...

'i was born to say i love you'
x

Oh So Frustrated

mood: anxious
listening to: my myspace playlist
typing: this

Skei is supposed to be coming over but i have a feeling he wont... he has a problem with keeping promises about meeting up. ahhh im so anxious! havent eaten yet today... scared i might throw it back up again. last night i was turning some old feelings into songs.. i think theyre okay compared to some iv written previously...

'I'm falling, falling,
into the hole of desperation,
theres no escape,
coz no one pays attention,

suffocation in all thats wrong,
i cant clear my head,
everythings swirling, swirling,
going full steam ahead,

correcting the mistakes,
too hard to contemplate,
trying but not succeeding,
help me, because im bleeding,

constant screams,
deafen me from the light,
ive lost my way,
nothing will ever be right,

dreeams become nightmares,
replaced by images of dispare,

people turned their backs,
or pushed me further,
rumours spreading,
try drowning my sorrow in jack,

hospital visions,
loved ones death,
they haunt me,
more with every breath,

2 months in this repetative state,
no one to call a friend,
keep it locked up,
hope it will all mend,

i need an escape,
i'll be back when im ready,
could take some time,
i wonder, will you miss me?

cancer, suicide,
not me but another,
more problems come,
placed on top of eachother,

the taunting and bitching,
i just cant take it,
shut your little mouths,
so i wont have to hear it,

phychological pain,
of being misunderstood,
trying to be strong,
like i thought i should,

losing energy,
and the will to carry onm
keep people from seeing my tears,
people think i'll live on,

i give up,
i need therapy to sort me out,
nothing i do works,
i need help without a doubt,'

uhm yes that was my song/poem thing using the really bad feelings that were expressed ages ago in this blog... tell me what you think.. any melody ideas for it.. anything.
i need constructive critisism..:)
tahh peopless :)

'black dress with the tights underneath, I gopt the breath of the last cigerette on my teeth..'

x

Righty Right Right Riiight.

meh, people are bitching about me behind my back about the stupidest things. like my hair. i dyed my hair red but you cant really see it but in the sunlight and some other type of light it glows a really awesome red. now one of my top 5 [King] was bitching about it acording to Bambi [another friend of mine] which is really retarded. can she not say something that pointless to my face? seriously if she had sed it to my face i wouldnt hav given a shit but since she said it behind my back i really dislike her now. T_T
also she was bitching to Kitty about it which makes everything worse. id reeaaalyy like to punch Kitty in the face. trying to take my boyfriend. god damn it. fucking emo-wannabe-scene-BITCH. she wrote a todo list on his arm yesterday...
'to do list.. buy Kitty a giraffe, become a fish doctor' < ahem,, FUCK OFF. i scribbled it out in maths coz im that mean. and i haate her that much.

but hey ho. he swore at me.. like proper swore. yanno and angry swearing at sorta thing. the other day. made me sad. but he was sorry. its coz he hadnt had a fag. [hes quitting.. well cutting down then quitting] aaaaand today me him and Dean got caught off of school premisses. meh dont really care. my mum didnt really give too much of a shit when i told her... ahh well.

Skei is coming over mine on sundayy ^_^ been ages since last time he did. we're gonna watch Naruto ^_^ hes a closet Narutard ^_^ hes actually alot like Naruto :3 i spose im Sasuke coz of my hair. heh heh. he was planning on taking me to London to a posh resterant for Valentines but my mum didnt like the idea so it will probably be in Brightonn.. :) i do love him. even if hes an accidental dick head.

Fecking Diploma Homework is what im doing atm. it sucks. its for tomorrow so i hav to finish it. mehhh! i hate the review process after a project is overr T_T ARRGH

thats about all for todayy my lovess (L)

goodbyee all :) x

'I'm Gonna Break Your Little Heart, Watch You Take The Fall, Laughing All The Way To The Hospital'

:( Sparkiie (L)

listening to: Avril Lavigne. She has good depressing songs.
talking to: Craigg.. about depressing shit.
thinking about: Depressing shit.

Fuck my life.

I hate cancer. i hope they find a FUCKING CURE soon. damn it. My Dog Sparkie has cancer. had it for a bit over a year... hes only 4 for Christs sakee. if hes not looking better in 48 hours theres nothing anyone can do... if he dies, i will fall apart and go mental. hes my bubbyy :( i dont want to lose my icklee fwend who keeps me company when im sad! it'll tear me apart and top off the crazy spilling out my head. :(

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby Sparkie has a high chance of dying soon

CraigyyBoyy says:
ohhhh tht suckss alott

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby yes now i kno why iv felt so shit all month

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo how long has he/she had it forr

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby about a year its a boy btw hes only 4

CraigyyBoyy says:
oh thts soo gay life is soo shitt

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby yeahh deffinetlyy, i hav an exam tomorrow too fucks sakee WHY MY FUCKIGN DOG??

CraigyyBoyy says:
wat ur exam in, yeahh thts why i hate life most of the time

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!! SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby yeahh i kno, english for my diploma

CraigyyBoyy says:
good luck for tht

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby tahh

CraigyyBoyy says:
is he at vets now

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby no.. just got back, if hes not better in 48 hours theres nothing we can do

CraigyyBoyy says:
thts soo gay im sorry dude

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby thanks
god. i swear someone i kno dies every year.. since i was 10
10-my first dog,11-not sure.. 12- my granddad 13- my mums friends dad 14-great granddad and great nan 15- Sparkie nearlyy..
fuck my life

CraigyyBoyy says:
thtss soo gay ive lost my grandma wen i was 9
and i nearly lost my dad the other yearr

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby hows that?

CraigyyBoyy says:
he had a heart attack nd was in hostiple for a while
nd he still ill

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': ahh thats shit

CraigyyBoyy says:
yeahh its another reason why im normally depressed

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': mm
well most of this is why im in counselling

CraigyyBoyy says:
i didnt Know u did counsellingg

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': yeahh. hav done since end of year 9

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo, whats it likee
does it help at all

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': well it kinda does, i mean before i felt like i couldnt talk to anyone so it gave me someone to talk to, you just sit there and talk about things going on or hav gone on

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo ritee

OhShoot!Its Carzyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': i think one of the first things i talked to her about was why i felt shit at the time, then it was self image, now it varies

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo ritee how often do u do it

OhShoot!Its Amiie!! SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': uhm varies on when theres a space
or what lesson you wanna miss
im missing p.e tomorrow

CraigyyBoyy says:
luckyy ;P

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': ;P the down side to that is i havent been in ages and iv gone a bit mental
cut myself more then i used to

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo thts annoying

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': mm lifes bull shit
its a pointless game everyone loses in the end anyway

CraigyyBoyy says:
mm i agree.. we all die in the end.

and that was mine and Craig's depressing conversationn..
and WHOOPEYY i get to miss p.e tomorrow coz of the counsellor (Y)

finally
havent been in ages. im going insane.

but hey thats my news. and that Skei could be expelled from my school, whiwch would make me even worse.

so anyway
good bye all, prey for my puppyy?
if you do i'll love you (:

"I've had my wake up, Wont you wake up, I keep asking why, I cant take it, It wasnt fake, It happened you passed by.."
x

T_T

hm right. i thought id tell you what mine and Hans' 'to punch in the face list' consists of.

1. KITTY!! :@:@ [obvious reasons]
2. Playa :L:L [still laugh at the name Craig suggested]
3. Bell -.- [wanna be kitty]
4. Dean [hes my 'twin' calls me emo all the time]
5. Brad [man whore]
6. Zanerr [not as badly as some of the others but at spesific moments]
7. HayJay [bitch who says she wears size 6 trousers and theyre still too big for her.. yeah right. fat arse.]
8. Shona [hairy monster who brings all the bullying she gets upon herself as she goes around crying at the stupidest things]

i would REALLY love to punch these people in the face!! so so soooo muchh!!

:D
just venting ;)

'I Cant Believe The News Today, I Cant Close My Eyes And Make It Go Away!'

AHAHAHAA I'M BAACK!!

yeahh yeahh i kno im such a depressing twat well now im not going to be depressing. im going to be a bitch :D and a happy one at that :) ha! its amazing at how things have change since i last blogged!! first of all im going to start over with the names. so you probably wont kno who im talking about. but this is a fresh start as its a new year.

first of all. i hav a boyfriend. :D Skei. [pronounced sky, spelt that way for a reason] he was going out with Kitty [keeping her name the same. most suitable name i can think of! LOL] aaaand he prefers me :D so far we've been going out for 4 and a bit months :) <3 he wrote me a song and a poem :D the poem is stuck to my wall above my bedd :D

as for Kitty, shes a bitch whos still obsessed with my boyfriend. =_= one of my best friends, Hans[this is her man name in real life :D and a new person iv never mentioned] told me that Kitty was saying things like she missed pulling Skei. you dont go about saying stuff like that about someone elses boyfriend, even if hes your ex. even worse if he is your ex really isnt it? you broke up for a reason. get over it hes mine now :D

As for my new best buddie [well one of them] Hans is a lovely year 8. even tho im a year 10 btu shes awefully maturee for her agee :) shes really great. we agree on so much! we recently made a list of people we'd like to punch in the face! XD XD its amazing the things we talk about, her and Skei are the 2 people who kno most about me :) im thankful they are both there for me :)

on of my top five is the amazing Kingg, shes awesomee. she knows alot about me too. not as much as Skei or Hans XD but she makes me smile on a shitty dayy which is AMAZZINGG! :) she also tells me stuff that people hav sed [like the Kitty thing about Skei..] i love her for that. and shes not h=too hyper all the time, like Kitty =_= LOL :D and she doesnt tell other people my secrets :)

ANOTHER of my top fivee, Man. :L:L hes so cool. been my best friend for 3 years. coming up to 4 at the end of this one :) we talk about anything and everything. he keeps me sane when im questioning my sanity. hes like a big brother to mee :D also an amazing personn :)

my final top five person is Zanerr [i asked her what shed like to ba called an she sed Zaner, so thats what im putting her as in my blog :)] she may be a bit of a slut sometimes but hey shes a great person :) she makes things fun too :) iv pulled her twice XD XD

hm now on to people i dont like so much. Playa [suggested by my friend Craig XD] well first time we fell out was my fault, i made her boyfriend cheat on her XD didnt mean to tho. recently shes been sleeping around abit. she slept with this guy on facebook she just met in a skate park without a condom. gross i kno. and even more recently se slept with someone again. but different person. :/ one of the things that annoys me is that shes PROUD of sleeping with people she hardly knows at 14. urghh.

theres many moree XD but i cba right now if im honestt :)

one last thing on my mind now tho... HOW CAN KITTY LOSE 5 POUNDS IN A WEEK AND I CANT LOSE 1 AT ALL!? AHHH!!!

and if anyone who reads this knows of a good band to see or any concerts coming up, please tell mee :) apriciate it ;)

much love to you all, and happy new year :L:L
mines gonna be a happy one for once :)
<3 xxxx
'Kiss Your Lips, Grab Your Hips And Fly Away!'