AHHH! WHATS GOING ON!!

Bastard God.
Took My Dog.
Lifes Flushed Down The Bog
Someone Gimme A HOG [hug.. incase you didnt get it]

Like my little limmerick? Yeah. Sorry I havent written on here in a little while, I write in 'My Trip To Perfection' Daily so most stuffs in there...

Yes, Sparkie died. 5:00pm 4/5/10. 5 years old.

GOD YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!!

I hate him.

The happy pills just make me emotionally numb, then everything explodes out in a messy state called a break down. I think I've had 5 last week. Skei didn't turn up on Monday. Or talk to me on Tuesday. Or come over on Sunday, I walked to his in the end. I still ache.
Bambi had a go at me. No reason at all except, and I quote, 'Your bad mood is your only mood!'...
Bitch.
She knows my dog died.
She can fuck herself for all i care.

Infact. Most people I know can all go die. I hate them all.
I dont need them to tell me I'm shit. I know that already. I have the voices that tell me and the appearance of an ED who shove it in my face everyday. I dont need anyone to make me feel inferiour. I can hurt myself both physically and mentally. They can fuck off.
I'll eventually show them I'm not the fat bitch they think I am. I'm not as pathetic as they think. I have issues. Because of them, and so many other reasons. I'll show them I can be perfect.

I will be perfect.

I've had so much injustice delt to me my whole life I've finally had enough. Its all above my head. Now I will explode like a volcanoe. Just like everytime someone annoys me that little bit too much. They get an earful of abusive shouting from me. And the occational strangle or punch. Or even a bollocking.
I'm done. I have too much inside. Anything else just throws it out of whack.

Ignorance is their best friend. As the beautiful Hayley Williams once sang. She has a point. If they dont know then they dont realise. Their philosophy I guess.

The funny thing is. No one, not even a medical proffecional, thinks theres anything wrong with me. HA! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm close to an ED, I even said to the the nurse that I occationally way over eat then dont eat much for a long time. She didnt pick it up. She thought it was normal. What? Are you kidding? I havent even told her the half of it. Wow. I'm actually coming to terms with the fact I probably have, or I'm developing, an ED. Pretty fast.
But th thing is. I think I'll give up trying to get help. I'll become a mental case, incapable of living day to day life. Then maybe, just maybe, they'll see what's wrong with me.

I cant believe that they dont think anythings wrong with me. The nurse put it down to my dog dieing. But I've felt this way, way before he died! Oh my God!

Okay I'm really angry now. I should go.

Not Best If I'm Angry.
Ughh...
x

oh for f-cks sake ...

My Puppy, Sparkie <3

Christ.
God actually hates me. (And I hate him right fucking back!)

Heres the deal. My Dog, Spark, has cancer. Hes had it for about a year and a half now, but hes coming to the point where we dont think he can fight it anymore.

Hes not eating, drinking or being the puppy I love.

Instead, hes sick, tired, on painkillers and gagging all the time.

Hes my Dog, not anyone else's in the house. So it really hurts.
He only turned 5 a month ago.

I honestly dont think i can handle anymore!


i beat the shit out of a locker last week coz of one little camment about me weight, imagine what I'll do if Spark dies/gets put down.





Yeah. Go mad. At everyone.





The happy pills definetly wont if he does.


Pray for him for me? Even if you're not religious.





And if Skei doesn't turn up today then I'm going to have a break down.


Its coming up to his childhood friends 2 year death anaversary. I get thats hard, I'm trying not to be so pathetic but honestly. I may not be able to face school for the week.





The weather has perfect timing. Its been beautiful all last week, now its pissing it down.





Just when it comes to Skei's friends yanno, and when Spark gets to his worst.


Mum said that if he's still bad today, then she's going to call the vet up to put him to sleep.





I HATE being tested like this.


Too much at once.





At least this mental health place for teenagers has gotten back to me. I'm seeing them on Thursday. I had to fill out a form yesterday to bring in.








FUCK MY LIFE I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!





'Lock the doors I'd Like to caputre this voice..'


wish me luck -.-


x

updatee :)

RIIIIIGHTYY

well as an update i cant remember if i mentioned the two new room mates i have in my head.
Ana and Psyc. yeahh. little bit about them:

Ana
14 years old
5'5
very thin
light brown hair and brown eyes
full fringe, straight hair.
not the nicest person to come accross

Psyc
16 years old
5'10
size 8 with a DD cup size[weird how i kno that..]
short hair with longish fringe and dyed red
basically me drunk. :L:L

honestly its kinda scary. and im having halusinations >.< stuff like reli big spiders crawling up the walls at night and tall scary men standing over me. at night, youd crap yourself.
just thought id mention that

also unfortunetly developed a need to bleed again :/ i made Skei go into a fit coz iv started cutting again :/ i feel relii bad but its better than killing myself right?

i caught a glimps of my legs the other day in shorts and thought 'NO WAY!' they actually look MUCH thinner than usual. :)

and my grades are still above average :D i plan on showing all the fuckers in my life up.

but i reli need a fag :/ i hav 2 but i dont think i could get away with smelling like them afterwards :/ mehh ill hav to make do.
mental note: meet up with Craig after school again to hav a fag like we did AGES ago <3 loved that day

yes im doing well on the weight front. [wheyheyy!!] 10 stone 13 pounds. hopefully losing more!

this is verrrry scatterbrained i kno >.<
well i think thats it.. ima make myself some healthy hot chocolate :L



bye mah lovers x ;)

muchomucho [dont ask :L]

rightyy heyyyy all!
im thinking of making anew blog for my songs. id like critique. so yes. :)

OMG IM GOING TO SEE BROKENCYDE, BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND JEFFREE STAR IN APRIL!! AHHHHH!! YESS!! none of them are favourites of mine but i do like them muchoss :L so looking forward to it. except king. and ryh. theyv been right bitches coz i bought them their tickets and my lovely matee Lii told me that they were saying stuff like 'i didnt even ask her to get it for me!' which 1. is a lie and 2. is a reli stupid thing to bitch about. im trying to be nice ffs! id rather go with Zanerr Skei and Zanerr's boyfii. itd be better. might just tell them they took too long to decide whether they were going or not. bitchesss.

fuck them
fuck my mum too.
shes a bitch. hates skei for some reason and thinks im having sex with him, which im not. im not even leagl. im not like that either. honestly.

ahhhhhhh! FUCK YOU BITCHEZZ!! IM GOING OFF SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CANT FACKING FIND ME... if only :/
x

Achhhh T_T

mood: kinda crappyy
time: 10:03pm
Listening too: secondhand serenade

rightyy well i still uberlyy wanna kill kitty. she slammed a door in my face... on purpose. making my nose bash it quite harrd >.<>.< god i hav hardly any self control.
Playa is getting on my nerves. still. she thinks shes depressed. pfft. she has no reason to be depressed and shes deffinetly not. i am ! i should kno if other people are! like Craiiggg :( hes getting depressed coz Hans broke up with him and she now hates me for telling craig that she dumped him coz her feelings for dean were confusing her and shes making shit up tbh :/ shes going round saying she doesnt fancy him. i only told craig that, i duno why shes getting other people involved with this... oh well. if she wants to stay friends ill let her decide.

Skei did the weirdest thing the other day. he proposed to me. im 15. is that normal?? i sed id answer when he asks me properly with a ring :L:L so hes saving up apparentlyyyy.. hey ho

me and Craig met up after school today and had a couple of rollies. cigarettes incase you didnt kno. its become something i quite like.. not good i knoo but heyy. we'v descovered a way to smoke and get us all light headed! its amazing! it feels like youre tipsyy.. and we did a few smokers kisses too. [blowing your inhailed smoke into the others mouth.. not actual kissing] so today was alright, but i feel crappy again >.< i wanna be 18. everythings legal. except drugs o'coursee. they arent ever legal unless youre rasterfarian. duno if i spelt that rightt.. oh well.

i hope my mood lifts.. its really bugging me. i hav no enthusiasm.
oh crap i still hav to sort out my work expierience with lilly. [different person] were gonna call them up together to see if they hav a place for 2 peoplee >.< ahhhhhhhh

well good byee. i needed to rant a little.
not like you care
no one even reads this...

'i was born to say i love you'
x

Righty Right Right Riiight.

meh, people are bitching about me behind my back about the stupidest things. like my hair. i dyed my hair red but you cant really see it but in the sunlight and some other type of light it glows a really awesome red. now one of my top 5 [King] was bitching about it acording to Bambi [another friend of mine] which is really retarded. can she not say something that pointless to my face? seriously if she had sed it to my face i wouldnt hav given a shit but since she said it behind my back i really dislike her now. T_T
also she was bitching to Kitty about it which makes everything worse. id reeaaalyy like to punch Kitty in the face. trying to take my boyfriend. god damn it. fucking emo-wannabe-scene-BITCH. she wrote a todo list on his arm yesterday...
'to do list.. buy Kitty a giraffe, become a fish doctor' < ahem,, FUCK OFF. i scribbled it out in maths coz im that mean. and i haate her that much.

but hey ho. he swore at me.. like proper swore. yanno and angry swearing at sorta thing. the other day. made me sad. but he was sorry. its coz he hadnt had a fag. [hes quitting.. well cutting down then quitting] aaaaand today me him and Dean got caught off of school premisses. meh dont really care. my mum didnt really give too much of a shit when i told her... ahh well.

Skei is coming over mine on sundayy ^_^ been ages since last time he did. we're gonna watch Naruto ^_^ hes a closet Narutard ^_^ hes actually alot like Naruto :3 i spose im Sasuke coz of my hair. heh heh. he was planning on taking me to London to a posh resterant for Valentines but my mum didnt like the idea so it will probably be in Brightonn.. :) i do love him. even if hes an accidental dick head.

Fecking Diploma Homework is what im doing atm. it sucks. its for tomorrow so i hav to finish it. mehhh! i hate the review process after a project is overr T_T ARRGH

thats about all for todayy my lovess (L)

goodbyee all :) x

'I'm Gonna Break Your Little Heart, Watch You Take The Fall, Laughing All The Way To The Hospital'

Im Increadibly Great At Fucking Up My Life

Mood: Un Explainable

Listening To: The Computer Buzz


Basically, Iv Fucked up again. Since Wales Camp with my year, everything has gone wrong. AGAIN. Today Lilly was hitting me with a rubber glove that had something in it and laughing her fucking head off and laughed harder when i yelled at her and told her to fuck off which made her do it more. then her boyfriend, Steve, stole my bag when i was being hyper on redbull and took it over to where they usually hang out. so i had ALOT of pent up anger towards the two of them that when i went with Li[one of my other friends] to go get my bag, i picked up lilly's bag and tossed it into a bush. does anyone reading this think that that was bitchy? or do you under stand why i did that? if you have something to say please comment the blog. i would like to kno some peoples opinions.
my other friend Shazz told lilly where the bag was when they were on the bus and she hasnt got it back yet and it has her phone and make-up in it. tbh i dont think that either one of them are actually THAT important and dont see why her and her boyfriend are now going to kill me tomorrow. and i didnt kno that it had that stuff in it anyway! and Tazz got her friend who lives near school to go look for it and apparently its not there anymore. and also Tazz is blates on their side as no one ever backs me up.
so in conclution, im gona have to attach myself to my tallest friend, Manman tomorrow and he will hopefully help me and understand. and me and Shazz are planning to run away for the summer to my mate's house called Gok. he'd understand. and i just called him but then realised he was spreading his mums ashes at the moment and now i feel like a toss pot for not realising quick enough.


anyway.. please comment. gives me something to do.
much love to the people who read this
buh-byeee xx