AHHH! WHATS GOING ON!!

Bastard God.
Took My Dog.
Lifes Flushed Down The Bog
Someone Gimme A HOG [hug.. incase you didnt get it]

Like my little limmerick? Yeah. Sorry I havent written on here in a little while, I write in 'My Trip To Perfection' Daily so most stuffs in there...

Yes, Sparkie died. 5:00pm 4/5/10. 5 years old.

GOD YOU MOTHER FUCKING CUNT!!

I hate him.

The happy pills just make me emotionally numb, then everything explodes out in a messy state called a break down. I think I've had 5 last week. Skei didn't turn up on Monday. Or talk to me on Tuesday. Or come over on Sunday, I walked to his in the end. I still ache.
Bambi had a go at me. No reason at all except, and I quote, 'Your bad mood is your only mood!'...
Bitch.
She knows my dog died.
She can fuck herself for all i care.

Infact. Most people I know can all go die. I hate them all.
I dont need them to tell me I'm shit. I know that already. I have the voices that tell me and the appearance of an ED who shove it in my face everyday. I dont need anyone to make me feel inferiour. I can hurt myself both physically and mentally. They can fuck off.
I'll eventually show them I'm not the fat bitch they think I am. I'm not as pathetic as they think. I have issues. Because of them, and so many other reasons. I'll show them I can be perfect.

I will be perfect.

I've had so much injustice delt to me my whole life I've finally had enough. Its all above my head. Now I will explode like a volcanoe. Just like everytime someone annoys me that little bit too much. They get an earful of abusive shouting from me. And the occational strangle or punch. Or even a bollocking.
I'm done. I have too much inside. Anything else just throws it out of whack.

Ignorance is their best friend. As the beautiful Hayley Williams once sang. She has a point. If they dont know then they dont realise. Their philosophy I guess.

The funny thing is. No one, not even a medical proffecional, thinks theres anything wrong with me. HA! WHAT THE FUCK! I'm close to an ED, I even said to the the nurse that I occationally way over eat then dont eat much for a long time. She didnt pick it up. She thought it was normal. What? Are you kidding? I havent even told her the half of it. Wow. I'm actually coming to terms with the fact I probably have, or I'm developing, an ED. Pretty fast.
But th thing is. I think I'll give up trying to get help. I'll become a mental case, incapable of living day to day life. Then maybe, just maybe, they'll see what's wrong with me.

I cant believe that they dont think anythings wrong with me. The nurse put it down to my dog dieing. But I've felt this way, way before he died! Oh my God!

Okay I'm really angry now. I should go.

Not Best If I'm Angry.
Ughh...
x

Achhhh T_T

mood: kinda crappyy
time: 10:03pm
Listening too: secondhand serenade

rightyy well i still uberlyy wanna kill kitty. she slammed a door in my face... on purpose. making my nose bash it quite harrd >.<>.< god i hav hardly any self control.
Playa is getting on my nerves. still. she thinks shes depressed. pfft. she has no reason to be depressed and shes deffinetly not. i am ! i should kno if other people are! like Craiiggg :( hes getting depressed coz Hans broke up with him and she now hates me for telling craig that she dumped him coz her feelings for dean were confusing her and shes making shit up tbh :/ shes going round saying she doesnt fancy him. i only told craig that, i duno why shes getting other people involved with this... oh well. if she wants to stay friends ill let her decide.

Skei did the weirdest thing the other day. he proposed to me. im 15. is that normal?? i sed id answer when he asks me properly with a ring :L:L so hes saving up apparentlyyyy.. hey ho

me and Craig met up after school today and had a couple of rollies. cigarettes incase you didnt kno. its become something i quite like.. not good i knoo but heyy. we'v descovered a way to smoke and get us all light headed! its amazing! it feels like youre tipsyy.. and we did a few smokers kisses too. [blowing your inhailed smoke into the others mouth.. not actual kissing] so today was alright, but i feel crappy again >.< i wanna be 18. everythings legal. except drugs o'coursee. they arent ever legal unless youre rasterfarian. duno if i spelt that rightt.. oh well.

i hope my mood lifts.. its really bugging me. i hav no enthusiasm.
oh crap i still hav to sort out my work expierience with lilly. [different person] were gonna call them up together to see if they hav a place for 2 peoplee >.< ahhhhhhhh

well good byee. i needed to rant a little.
not like you care
no one even reads this...

'i was born to say i love you'
x

Oh So Frustrated

mood: anxious
listening to: my myspace playlist
typing: this

Skei is supposed to be coming over but i have a feeling he wont... he has a problem with keeping promises about meeting up. ahhh im so anxious! havent eaten yet today... scared i might throw it back up again. last night i was turning some old feelings into songs.. i think theyre okay compared to some iv written previously...

'I'm falling, falling,
into the hole of desperation,
theres no escape,
coz no one pays attention,

suffocation in all thats wrong,
i cant clear my head,
everythings swirling, swirling,
going full steam ahead,

correcting the mistakes,
too hard to contemplate,
trying but not succeeding,
help me, because im bleeding,

constant screams,
deafen me from the light,
ive lost my way,
nothing will ever be right,

dreeams become nightmares,
replaced by images of dispare,

people turned their backs,
or pushed me further,
rumours spreading,
try drowning my sorrow in jack,

hospital visions,
loved ones death,
they haunt me,
more with every breath,

2 months in this repetative state,
no one to call a friend,
keep it locked up,
hope it will all mend,

i need an escape,
i'll be back when im ready,
could take some time,
i wonder, will you miss me?

cancer, suicide,
not me but another,
more problems come,
placed on top of eachother,

the taunting and bitching,
i just cant take it,
shut your little mouths,
so i wont have to hear it,

phychological pain,
of being misunderstood,
trying to be strong,
like i thought i should,

losing energy,
and the will to carry onm
keep people from seeing my tears,
people think i'll live on,

i give up,
i need therapy to sort me out,
nothing i do works,
i need help without a doubt,'

uhm yes that was my song/poem thing using the really bad feelings that were expressed ages ago in this blog... tell me what you think.. any melody ideas for it.. anything.
i need constructive critisism..:)
tahh peopless :)

'black dress with the tights underneath, I gopt the breath of the last cigerette on my teeth..'

x

Righty Right Right Riiight.

meh, people are bitching about me behind my back about the stupidest things. like my hair. i dyed my hair red but you cant really see it but in the sunlight and some other type of light it glows a really awesome red. now one of my top 5 [King] was bitching about it acording to Bambi [another friend of mine] which is really retarded. can she not say something that pointless to my face? seriously if she had sed it to my face i wouldnt hav given a shit but since she said it behind my back i really dislike her now. T_T
also she was bitching to Kitty about it which makes everything worse. id reeaaalyy like to punch Kitty in the face. trying to take my boyfriend. god damn it. fucking emo-wannabe-scene-BITCH. she wrote a todo list on his arm yesterday...
'to do list.. buy Kitty a giraffe, become a fish doctor' < ahem,, FUCK OFF. i scribbled it out in maths coz im that mean. and i haate her that much.

but hey ho. he swore at me.. like proper swore. yanno and angry swearing at sorta thing. the other day. made me sad. but he was sorry. its coz he hadnt had a fag. [hes quitting.. well cutting down then quitting] aaaaand today me him and Dean got caught off of school premisses. meh dont really care. my mum didnt really give too much of a shit when i told her... ahh well.

Skei is coming over mine on sundayy ^_^ been ages since last time he did. we're gonna watch Naruto ^_^ hes a closet Narutard ^_^ hes actually alot like Naruto :3 i spose im Sasuke coz of my hair. heh heh. he was planning on taking me to London to a posh resterant for Valentines but my mum didnt like the idea so it will probably be in Brightonn.. :) i do love him. even if hes an accidental dick head.

Fecking Diploma Homework is what im doing atm. it sucks. its for tomorrow so i hav to finish it. mehhh! i hate the review process after a project is overr T_T ARRGH

thats about all for todayy my lovess (L)

goodbyee all :) x

'I'm Gonna Break Your Little Heart, Watch You Take The Fall, Laughing All The Way To The Hospital'

:( Sparkiie (L)

listening to: Avril Lavigne. She has good depressing songs.
talking to: Craigg.. about depressing shit.
thinking about: Depressing shit.

Fuck my life.

I hate cancer. i hope they find a FUCKING CURE soon. damn it. My Dog Sparkie has cancer. had it for a bit over a year... hes only 4 for Christs sakee. if hes not looking better in 48 hours theres nothing anyone can do... if he dies, i will fall apart and go mental. hes my bubbyy :( i dont want to lose my icklee fwend who keeps me company when im sad! it'll tear me apart and top off the crazy spilling out my head. :(

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby Sparkie has a high chance of dying soon

CraigyyBoyy says:
ohhhh tht suckss alott

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby yes now i kno why iv felt so shit all month

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo how long has he/she had it forr

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby about a year its a boy btw hes only 4

CraigyyBoyy says:
oh thts soo gay life is soo shitt

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby yeahh deffinetlyy, i hav an exam tomorrow too fucks sakee WHY MY FUCKIGN DOG??

CraigyyBoyy says:
wat ur exam in, yeahh thts why i hate life most of the time

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!! SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby yeahh i kno, english for my diploma

CraigyyBoyy says:
good luck for tht

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby tahh

CraigyyBoyy says:
is he at vets now

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby no.. just got back, if hes not better in 48 hours theres nothing we can do

CraigyyBoyy says:
thts soo gay im sorry dude

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby thanks
god. i swear someone i kno dies every year.. since i was 10
10-my first dog,11-not sure.. 12- my granddad 13- my mums friends dad 14-great granddad and great nan 15- Sparkie nearlyy..
fuck my life

CraigyyBoyy says:
thtss soo gay ive lost my grandma wen i was 9
and i nearly lost my dad the other yearr

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby hows that?

CraigyyBoyy says:
he had a heart attack nd was in hostiple for a while
nd he still ill

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': ahh thats shit

CraigyyBoyy says:
yeahh its another reason why im normally depressed

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': mm
well most of this is why im in counselling

CraigyyBoyy says:
i didnt Know u did counsellingg

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': yeahh. hav done since end of year 9

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo, whats it likee
does it help at all

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': well it kinda does, i mean before i felt like i couldnt talk to anyone so it gave me someone to talk to, you just sit there and talk about things going on or hav gone on

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo ritee

OhShoot!Its Carzyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': i think one of the first things i talked to her about was why i felt shit at the time, then it was self image, now it varies

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo ritee how often do u do it

OhShoot!Its Amiie!! SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': uhm varies on when theres a space
or what lesson you wanna miss
im missing p.e tomorrow

CraigyyBoyy says:
luckyy ;P

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': ;P the down side to that is i havent been in ages and iv gone a bit mental
cut myself more then i used to

CraigyyBoyy says:
oo thts annoying

OhShoot!Its Crazyy!!SparkiieBoyy): DoesntLookGoodForYouuBubby)': mm lifes bull shit
its a pointless game everyone loses in the end anyway

CraigyyBoyy says:
mm i agree.. we all die in the end.

and that was mine and Craig's depressing conversationn..
and WHOOPEYY i get to miss p.e tomorrow coz of the counsellor (Y)

finally
havent been in ages. im going insane.

but hey thats my news. and that Skei could be expelled from my school, whiwch would make me even worse.

so anyway
good bye all, prey for my puppyy?
if you do i'll love you (:

"I've had my wake up, Wont you wake up, I keep asking why, I cant take it, It wasnt fake, It happened you passed by.."
x

Im Increadibly Great At Fucking Up My Life

Mood: Un Explainable

Listening To: The Computer Buzz


Basically, Iv Fucked up again. Since Wales Camp with my year, everything has gone wrong. AGAIN. Today Lilly was hitting me with a rubber glove that had something in it and laughing her fucking head off and laughed harder when i yelled at her and told her to fuck off which made her do it more. then her boyfriend, Steve, stole my bag when i was being hyper on redbull and took it over to where they usually hang out. so i had ALOT of pent up anger towards the two of them that when i went with Li[one of my other friends] to go get my bag, i picked up lilly's bag and tossed it into a bush. does anyone reading this think that that was bitchy? or do you under stand why i did that? if you have something to say please comment the blog. i would like to kno some peoples opinions.
my other friend Shazz told lilly where the bag was when they were on the bus and she hasnt got it back yet and it has her phone and make-up in it. tbh i dont think that either one of them are actually THAT important and dont see why her and her boyfriend are now going to kill me tomorrow. and i didnt kno that it had that stuff in it anyway! and Tazz got her friend who lives near school to go look for it and apparently its not there anymore. and also Tazz is blates on their side as no one ever backs me up.
so in conclution, im gona have to attach myself to my tallest friend, Manman tomorrow and he will hopefully help me and understand. and me and Shazz are planning to run away for the summer to my mate's house called Gok. he'd understand. and i just called him but then realised he was spreading his mums ashes at the moment and now i feel like a toss pot for not realising quick enough.


anyway.. please comment. gives me something to do.
much love to the people who read this
buh-byeee xx

Grrrrr!!

Mood: confuzzled
Listening To: whatevers playing in my itunes.

first off, sorry to anyone who actually reads this. my computer decided to fuck its self. and would not work.

last weeks thursday
was a pretty awesome day to be honest. Luna cheered me up with a drawing of me and my guardian angel. made me happy for the day. =]

last friday
betrayed by manny. we were going to take a deploma together but hes backed out and i'm going to be a larry next year in year 10. and year 11 too.

weekend.
my drama class thing was pretty cool. cheered me up too. selby and alex [not my dad my friend] were there and so was jody and a few people we dont really like. mine and selby's son, peter, wasnt there and neither was Ana which made us A TINY BIT sad but it was awesome. me, alex and selby are going to bother a former pupil of our drama thing, called steven, until he comes back. coz we miss him too much. and just incase anyone was wondering, we are bothering him on bebo.

monday
bank holiday as you may know.i didnt feel well AT ALL. i wanted to be sick and i had serious stomach pains. and no it wasnt my period. i dont get pains and i was on it the week before. but anyway, that evening me and my mum were in her room watching the second harry potter film when my grannie called up, something about a whining noise. she asked if Brandie [one of my dogs] was up in my mums room with us and we were like noooo. later, we all went downstairs and found her in my grannie and grandvati's room, bleeding perfusely out of her nose and mouth. i think it was about 9 o'clock. well passed 9. and everyone was getting towels and calling the vets etc. etc. and we took her to the vet at about quarter to ten. basically, it was like a nose bleed, but she had been hit pretty hard on one side of her nose and it was very swolen. now, we think it was a badger. cause she had two bite marks, one under her chin and one on top of her nose. and i slept downstairs to keep and eye on her.

tuesday.
felt far worse. wanting to be sick constantly. actually being sick. i wont go into full detail but it was aweful.

wednesday.
my mum told be the day before that shes guna take me to the doctor. her and my gran both said it could be greif or stress or something to do with school. i agree totally. the doctor said it was probably stress related but i could have an infection or virus... or something. she perscribed me some anti-sickness tablets to take twice a day. meh. and my mother wanted me to go to school the next day. she arranged a meeting with my head of year to talk about my problems and what she could do.

thursday.
i hate school. i dont want to go back. i only stayed half the day though. and tazz gave me a picture of me and my angel aswell, which made me happier. lilly owes me a picture too coz i drew her, tazz, luna and kitty pictures. but anyway. i really like history because we were learning about the atomic bomb and were watching a video. at the end of that lesson oliver gave me a note. i looked at it and thought 'awwh its a sorry note!' i read it on the way to my head of years office and waited until she came out and asked me if my mum was here yet but i didnt know so we walked to the main office where visitors come and my mum was sitting there.
we talked about whats been going on, whos been doing what etc. and she said that she made oliver cry! i found that quite funny. bless him though. he was actually appauled at himself.

and finally... today.
everyone seems much different. oliver is pretty sweet now. bless 'im. he said sorry to my face aswell! nawh! and bobby wasnt a nasty bastard. but kirsten is a fugly uncle fucker. in art today, we were in a different room and had a supply teacher. so kirsten and my friend Lii sat together at the back and i sat infront of them with Luce and manny and my ex sat infront of us. Lii had my rubber and manny wanted it so he asked her to pass it to him but when she tossed it to him, it hit him in the face. it was rather funny but it was a accident. then kirsten starts chucking colouring pencils at the back of his head for no reason at all and it was pissing him off. so i said something like. 'stop being such a stupid bitch you retard!' and she was all 'oooh look whos stressy!' and said what i said in that really annying immitaion voice which is the same for everybody. whoevers reading this should deffinetly know what i mean. but i gennerally just stuck my middle finger up at her. she really isnt worth the effort. im going to e-mail my head of year and ask her is she got round to talking to kirsten. its what my head of year told me to do.
later in german, i sit next to bobby in our seating plan and we had a very pleasant conversation. at one point i said 'i duno what 'weil' means, yeah im real helpful!' sarcastically and he said 'well you usually are.' wow. hes never said that to me before. and he also said that my manga drawings are really good! i was all 'wow! thanks!' and im generally pleased with myself!
in after noon regerstration, oliver put his hand up to me for me to high five and so did alex so i gave them high fives and i heard oliver say when i walked off, 'i got a better high five then you!' to alex. hum ^_^ im quite happy.

the only thing im not happy about is the guy i like who i mentioned before... i think in my first blog. who my friend flirted with. you know... Maxi. its basically that. when you like a guy they either dont like you, or only like you as a mate or for a laugh. and Maxi is exactly like that. he said that im not his type and i make him laugh. hm. its depressing. i really do like him. and he wont even gimme a chance. but im planning a party at the begining of summer in one of my fields with loadsa mates including Maxi and his friends who my firends like and are friends with, and get uber pissed. hum! ^_^ hopefully will be fun. but we need to set a date. etc. etc.

umm.. thats about it now. quite a long update (:
i'll try and post another blogy thing tomorrow or sunday.

bysie! xx (: